little reminders

Sorry I’ve been a little MIA in the blog game lately. I was kind of letting my life spiral a little but I’ve grabbed the reigns again (well…more accurately I’m working on releasing control of the reigns back to God).

When I was a senior in high school I participated in Fine Arts for my church. One of the things I did was a spoken word poem-thingy, and I wound up in the top three for our district and took it to nationals.

Lately, I keep asking  “God, what the heck am I even doing?” like all the time. I keep wondering where my fire and my hunger went (as if it’s some puppy that would scamper off, and not something that I need to maintain). So I would repeat little parts of the poem to myself as a reminder of what I had and what I’ve come from and where I should be – where that past 2013 me wanted this current 2015 me to be at spiritually.

👉 So here’s the video. 👈 Because hopefully it will encourage you as much as it does me and as much as it did for those people in that gym.

My God breathed the stars and called them by name/
That same breath is in me and I am not called to be tame/
That great commission was not written to sit on a page/
It was meant to be lived by me no matter my age.

on followers, faves, and forgiveness

I love having the timehop app. It’s really fun to see old pictures and old memories. It’s also really interesting to see how I acted on social media compared to the actual state of my heart. I went to church a little in the beginning of high school because I had to, but I consider when I got saved to be October of my senior year. So it’s kind of funny to see bible verses or overly spiritual things popping up on my timehop from my sophomore and junior years, and thinking back to what I was actually doing at that point, and how far I really was from God.

It’s so easy to put a good face up on social media. To post a few verses or a Tozer quote, and act like everything is peachy.

I want to be transparent. Just because I post something pretty on my blog and it says something that touches your heart, or it looks like I have my act together, doesn’t mean that’s the truth.

I mess up all the time. Constantly. Daily. “Big” sins, and what feels like a million “little” ones (even though I know they all equally put Jesus on the cross). I’m not great at this thing called life. And I’m also not great at facing God when I feel convicted.

I let the healthy and helpful prodding of the Holy Spirit become twisted into a guilt that then pushes me farther from God. Instead of it drawing me closer, Satan knows how easy it is to get in my head and use that to do the opposite.

In my quest to chill out a little bit and go, “Okay. Where are You really at with my guilt and my sheepishness and wanting to not be in trouble…?” I dug in to see what I could find on forgiveness.

(spoiler – there’s a ton of stuff on forgiveness.)

Psalm 103:12 says, “He has removed our sins as far from us as the east is from the west.”

1 John 1:9 says, “But if we confess our sins to Him, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness.”

Isaiah 1:18 says, “‘Come now, let’s settle this,’ says the LORD. ‘Though your sins are like scarlet, I will make them as white as snow. Though they are red like crimson, I will make them as white as wool.’”

Acts 3:19 says, “Repent, then, and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out, that times of refreshing may come from the Lord,”

I dig some refreshing from the Lord. And I need it today, while I try to figure out where conviction from the Spirit ends and guilt that will hurt my relationship and my worship begins.

Conviction is a good thing. Healthy. Necessary. Conviction is when little Jiminy Cricket hops up on my shoulder and goes “Hey Kait, do you really think that’s what you should be doing/ thinking/ reading/ watching/ saying right now?” Conviction is from God and is designed to help me walk out who I should be in Him; it’s my compass in this adventure called life.

Isaiah 30:18 says, “Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you; therefore he will rise up to show you compassion. For the LORD is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him!”

Romans 8:1 says, “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.”

Romans 2:4 says, “Don’t you see how wonderfully kind, tolerant, and patient God is with you? Does this mean nothing to you? Can’t you see that his kindness is intended to turn you from your sin?”

Don’t you see how wonderfully kind, tolerant, and patient God is with you, self?!

I don’t know how He deals with me so often. I hurt Him so much.

But can’t you see His kindness is intended to turn you from your sin, Kait? Self, that voice is love.

One of my favorite songs says, “A father who doesn’t discipline/ Is one watching his kids/ Playing in the streets of sin.” That’s the point of conviction. To keep my reckless self from running out into the dangerous street and getting my heart all beat up. And I know that in my head, but it’s hard to remember when my shame makes it hard to come back to God after one more mistake.

Don’t be discouraged when you see everyone else’s pretty social media. Their timehop’s probably won’t match their actual hearts next year, either.

Don’t you see how wonderfully kind, tolerant and patient God is with you? So hang your head a little when you come back to Him. It’s okay. Apologize, once again. And remember that He longs to wipe away your sins and refresh you.

the name thing

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 NIV

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

In high school I saw somewhere to take that passage and put your name in it to remind you how to be. I then promptly forgot about it because I didn’t really care much for God most of high school. This morning I was drinking coffee and eating oatmeal with flax seeds and hoping that God would give me more energy from our time together before my 8 am lab (because whoever lives above me was apparently building furniture last night after midnight). He reminded me about that idea this morning.

Kaitlin is patient.

Kaitlin is kind.

She doesn’t envy.

She doesn’t boast.

She isn’t proud.

Kaitlin honors others.

She isn’t self-seeking.

She isn’t easily angered.

She is forgiving.

Kaitlin doesn’t delight in evil but rejoices in truth.

She protects, trusts, hopes, and perseveres.

That is love. God is love, and those verses say so clearly “love is” those things. If I’m trying be to be like God, then I’m trying to be like that passage. I was praying my way through those goals and then simply said “I want to be love.” God reminded me of John 15:13. Jesus said, “Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.” But in daily life, there’s not necessarily always something life threatening going on to cause you to need to lay your life down. There’s just the daily grind and 1000 tiny choices and interactions. But by being patient and kind and humble etc. we are BEING love and in spirit laying our lives down for our brothers and sisters. This is the greatest love.

Try the name thing. Be love in the world.

the pause button

I’m eating Spaghetti-O’s for lunch at work right now, because sometimes you need to feel little again, and kid-food is a wonderful way to do that.

This post isn’t going to be tied into my food like the last one; I just wanted to share my Spaghetti-O joy.

—

Do you ever hit pause with God? I find myself doing that all the time.

Let me explain, if you don’t know what I mean. Sometimes, I take a mini-break from God. (It’s entirely unintentional, but it makes complete sense because to live for Christ, you have to live completely intentional.) Sometimes, I forget to carve out time with Him. I forget to pray continually. I don’t share a cup of coffee or tea with Him; I don’t pause and take a moment to be in awe of His creation when I see a raindrop or a leaf or a bird. I don’t take time to be grateful. I don’t take time to seek the Spirit and put on my armor.

It’s not that I don’t want it! It’s just that life gets crazy and busy and there are 5000 distractions hurtling themselves at my brain always. But if I don’t live intentionally, I end up subconsciously hitting “pause” on my relationship with God.

It’s always harder to go back to the gym after the holidays than it is to go back 24-48 hours after your last workout. That’s where I’m at. I paused over the Christmas week (dumb right? Christmas! It’s about Him!) and now I’m trying to hit play again but my muscles are stiff and weaker than they were. Stretching hurts more; I’m not as flexible as I was before my pause. And flexibility is a huge thing in my relationship with God. He’s not going to stop molding me, ever the wonderful Potter, but if I’m not flexible with His ways and His guiding and His molding, that continual changing and shaping are going to be a lot more painful than they have to be.

And I need that molding. I don’t like me. I don’t want to be like me. I’m awkward and kinda crazy (not in the fun way) and really really bad at inter-personal relationships. I don’t want to be me. I want to be like Him. I don’t want to be the lumpy finger pot with cracks all over that I am right now; I want to be a pretty, useful vessel for Him. That’s what the molding is for.

I don’t want to be like Zephaniah 3:2, that says, “She obeys no one, she accepts no correction. She does not trust in the LORD, she does not draw near to her God.” (It’s talking about Jerusalem in context.) She doesn’t obey authority, she can’t accept correction, and she doesn’t have trust in God….all because “she does not draw near to her God.” That’s not a pretty picture, especially for someone (me) realizing that she’s neglected to draw near to God. I want to have an obedient heart for authority (it makes life a lot easier) and I want to be able to accept correction from a mentor or concerned friend without getting angry or something, and I desperately need to trust God. Life is crazy on it’s own, and based on the fact that some big changes are coming my way and I’m also going to school to be in the ministry, trusting God is HUGE.

If you hit pause like me, don’t worry. Whether it was for a week or month or even if it may have been so long and so unconscious that you have no idea when it happened… don’t worry.

The Bible is full of encouragement for us pause-ers.

James 4:8 says, “Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you….”

Zechariah 1:3 says, “Therefore tell the people: This is what the Lord Almighty says: ‘Return to me,’ declares the Lord Almighty, ‘and I will return to you,’ says the Lord Almighty.”

Jeremiah 3:22 says, “‘Return, faithless people; I will cure you of backsliding.’ ‘Yes, we will come to you, for you are the Lord our God.'”

Psalm 145:18 says, “The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth.”

So if you think you’ve paused… It’s okay. It’s never to late to hit your play button.

on spinach and sin

It’s 4 days till Christmas, and I’m sitting in my dorm room. (I’m okay with that; I’m going home tomorrow morning.) I’m sitting in my dorm room eating a can of spinach and a can of tuna. You should know something: I LOVE tuna. I mean that. I would eat it every day if I could. I can’t, because my mom and roommate both don’t like it, and I’m not sure what that mercury would do to me. But, my roommate is home for break, and I am not yet home for break, so there is no one around to care about my tuna!

This tuna is seriously making my heart joyful, y’all.

The can of spinach on the other hand…….not so much. I dig spinach. I love it on pizza, and in omelettes, and steamed and buttery, or with some tangy raspberry dressing with turkey and cheese in a salad. Spinach is my pal. But if you’ve ever eaten in any kind of cafeteria in your life, you’ll understand the difference between the happy spinach I just described, and the kind you get from a can. Unfortunately, that is what I am currently holding my nose and eating – because I bruise easily so I figured I’d get some Iron in me, and because I read that eating too much Ramen is bad for women’s hearts. So I’m trying to now limit myself to ONE brick of Ramen a day from the case I have sitting on top of my dresser. (it’s less than $3 for 12 meals though. That temptation is never going to go away.) I’m not sure if I’ll make it through the whole can honestly, but I’ll at least get half, so that my body is happier with me.

Most of us remember how canned spinach tastes from our cafeteria-eating days. But there’s another component I’m not sure you’ll remember right away.

The smell.

Obviously, my wonderful tuna has a distinct smell. But when I opened up that can of Popeye’s brand spinach (it had a picture of him on the can. I had to), the smell hit me and I instantly questioned my decision to eat a whole can of the stuff.

As I sat down with my tasty tuna and sad spinach, I went “hey God. What do you want to tell me today?”

He said, “Your sin smells like spinach.” …okay, He said it stinks, but I’m just really not loving this spinach right now.

I tried to press Him for more, but just felt His nudge to dig in for more on my own. I think at some point every teacher (at least every math teacher) I’ve had has told me “you’ll learn it better if you do it on your own than if I give you the answer,” and God is ever playing teacher with my wandering self…

I’m no stranger to the idea of smells + God. I love the idea that our prayers and our worship are like sweet incense to Him. I pray that my songs smell sweet to Him almost every time I’m in a corporate worship setting. There’s just something about that idea that my heart loves – probably because I love good smelling things. Scentsy pots and fabreez and those little cone air fresheners are my pals. My paintbrushes are nestled in some scented wax balls in a mason jar on my desk. And if I enjoy things that smell good this much, of course God does. He’s the one that gave us a sense of smell and made all these wonderful smelling things (and not so wonderful smelling things – lookin’ at you, spinach).

But as much as I love to think about things smelling good to Him, I’ve never really stopped and said, “If my prayers and good things smell sweet, what does my sin smell like?” until now.

Uh…GROSS. They smell super bad. (Super bad. Click at your own risk. Maybe you didn’t ever think about that verse in that light before…you probably wish you still hadn’t.)

That’s gross. That’s so gross that I want to go take that part out and just say it smells like a dung beetle rollin’ his way across Africa (watch that video; it has fun sound effects).

But at the same time, I’m really glad God showed me that. Because I LOVE how uncomfortable and unhappy that metaphor makes me. I don’t want to smell like this can of spinach, much less that, to God.

I love smelling good. I have like 5000 scented lotions and body sprays spread between my dorm room and my bathroom at home. I shower almost every day (yes, almost. I’m in college. It’s normal). I brush my teeth. I wash my clothes. I use all kinds of air fresheners, like I said earlier.

But until now, I never realized that I don’t put nearly as much care into how my actions and my life smells to God. All over the old testament, there are verses referencing how burnt offerings smell pleasing to God. But what does my offering smell like? I know I’ve prayed that I want my life to be an offering or a living sacrifice more times than I can count. But I want my offering to actually smell pleasing to God, not just be something that I give Him because I should.

I don’t want you to think that I’m somehow missing the fact that Christ’s sacrifice is what washes me clean and makes me smell good at all. But if all my actions and choices and words can be a sweet smelling incense and sacrifice, not just my prayers, then I want my life to be as wonderful smelling to God as possible. I want to smell like something He delights in and rejoices over. I want the scent of my life to glorify Him, and not just my physical scent based on showers and perfumes.

And y’all…I finished my can of spinach.

on printing and prayer

I rented one of my text books this semester, and I got an email this morning that I have to ship it back by tomorrow or I’ll get charged extra. I’ve known for a couple of weeks that it was due, but – procrastinator that I am – I’ve been ignoring those emails. But, with one more day to ship, I said “okay, let me print that right quick before my quiet time! Two minutes.” Note that I was already about 8 minutes late in starting my quiet time, because I decided to change outfits three times – typical girl stuff.
My computer and printer like to not get along, and when it’s online for every one else’s computer, it will be offline on mine. Lately (yesterday…only yesterday.) it’s been easier to connect though. I tried for 20 minutes to print my shipping label before I finally gave up and went “okay, I’ll do it later. I guess I’ll go in to work at 9 instead of 8:30 so I can spend this time with you, God…”
I pulled my french press over to my desk from where my coffee had been brewing (steeping? It feels different in a french press…) and grabbed a big owl mug for God and a little pig mug for myself. The second I poured our cups of coffee, my shipping label printed. God has a sense of humor…and I got the message. Have you laughed with God lately? ‘Cause it’s the best thing. There’s normal laughter with friends, and then there’s laughter with the One who made you and knitted together all the little special places in your heart, and knows exactly what little irony will flood you with joy on a drizzly morning. And that’s exactly what it did – my wet and cold December morning turned warm and lovely, and I’m still giggling about the printer/coffee incident hours later as I write this during my afternoon lull.

I love being reminded that God isn’t some displeased and distant being watching as we stumble and demanding that we tick off a to-do list on how to be a good Christian. I get that twisted up in my brain kind of often. He’s the dearest friend we’ll ever know, and loves to play little jokes to remind us that He’s both funny and should come before printing something, and He enjoys sharing coffee out of animal shaped mugs with us in our dorm rooms just as much as He enjoys our worship on Sunday mornings.