pushing and preparing

Dear friends, I write to you new.

This summer has been one of breaking and building; of moulding and mending; of metamorphosis and rebirth. I have been silent through my transformation, because there was too much turmoil in my soul to get any one thought out.

Twenty is my age of new-ness, and it is the year I’ve decided to come into my own. You won’t see a different person just looking at me, other than a couple pounds lost in an effort to make 20 healthy. I will laugh at the same jokes and follow the same blogs and love the same bands. But beneath all that, I am new.  I am peeling back all the layers of who I am in Christ and deciding who I want to become in Him. I am letting Him push me into strengths I didn’t know I had and bring out desires and passions that have been hidden away.

I am saying, “speak, your servant is here,” whenever I feel a nudge.

That’s scary. You know? Because this is God I’m saying that to daily, and who even knows what crazy things He’ll tell me to do. It’s terrifying. But it’s the kind of scary when you’re at the top of a roller coaster, when you’re almost going over; when you can’t see past the break yet; when your body is screaming “no no no it’s not too late to back out!” except that it is, it’s far too late, and besides how amazing will this be?

This summer has been a summer of anticipation. Especially this past month of officially being 20. It is on the air in every breath I take, and I feel it in every step when I’m walking across campus, and I feel its tingle in my bones making it hard to sleep when I lay down at night. I’m feeling it acutely as I’m writing this tonight. It’s in every sip of the youthberry tea I just made, and the whale I have hung on my wall is whispering it to me. That incessant push. That need to go and do and tell.

He is telling me “Get ready,” and He is telling me daily and not telling me what for.

He’s showing me little pieces of the plan. He’s giving me just enough to not go absolutely insane. Just when I thought the need to go and get the heck outa dodge that I’ve had all summer would make me lose it and just run away, He let so many tiny “accidents” lead me to the opportunity to serve using my photography passion in Jamaica to help a budding women’s ministry. And now His push towards some kind of leadership is about to drive me crazy, and part of me wants to ignore it because that idea terrifies me but part of me is saying “but how undeserving are you, that He’ll have to shine through so much brighter than you,” so I wait. I am saying “here am I” and I am making myself available.

I am on the cusp. I am at the top of the roller coaster. I am on the brink of…something. Something big. But as scary as that is, it is the most beautiful feeling I can imagine. Because this year, 20, I am stronger and braver and brighter. I am bolder than I’ve ever been and I am donning my armor and filling up my heart and I am stepping out, stepping onto the water. I am ready, and expectant. Daily, I anticipate Him and His nudges and His whispers and His incessant push. I hear it now, “get ready…” So I wait and I anticipate.

police and prayer and pursuit

God is so cool. Just have to throw that out there. I have to shout from the rooftops – but since it’s quiet hours I’ll blog instead.

I woke up and the Spirit was all over me and I was so filled with Him all day. How wonderful. There’s nothing better.

Worship was so amazing at church this morning. And smack in the middle of singing about how “He is freedom” and “He is healing” God hit me with some instructions.

They were simple: pray for a police officer today.

Uh, okay God. Sure. That’s not what I was expecting to hear from you this morning, but if you put an officer in my path, I’ll totally do it.

He showed me that it would be at a traffic stop and that was that. I went back to worship. When we sat down, I put a reminder in my phone and told myself that if I hadn’t seen a traffic stop by that evening, I’d go to the police station and at least just walk in and ask to pray for someone. And you know what?

I forgot.

That reminder on my phone didn’t help at all. And I was torn up about it.

Come on Kait! It’s been forever since you’ve gotten one of those “crazy” instructions. How could you blow this? If He can’t trust you with something little like praying for a cop, how can He trust you to do big things for His kingdom?

I was driving across campus after filming in another dorm with a pal in the passenger seat, and just across the field from my dorm… those blazing blue and red lights; an officer in a traffic stop.

I said, “Will you do something crazy with me?”

She said, “Is it legal to walk up to a cop during a stop?”

I said, “I dunno, but God was pretty clear.”

So we walked across that field (and I almost stepped in literally the biggest ant pile I’ve ever seen) with the flashlight on my phone on so he could see us coming, and when he got out to talk to the driver a second time I called, “Officer? Can I talk to you when you’re done?” and he said “Sure.”

He asked how he could help us, and I said, “Um, can I ask you something a little crazy?” His wary expression melted when I said “So this morning in worship…” and explained that I wanted to pray for him.

And Abe, if you read this, I’ll keep praying for your health. And of course your safety. And you were so wonderful and I’m so thankful for you and the rest of the officers you work with that do what you do.

That hug after our prayer wasn’t three people, it was four. Abe, my friend, me, and very tangibly, God.

Psalm 95:7-8

For He is our God,
And we are the people of His pasture,
And the sheep of His hand.

Today, if you will hear His voice:
Do not harden your hearts, as in the rebellion,
As in the day of trial in the wilderness.

Don’t harden your heart if He calls you to do one of those crazy or weird things… You never know what He could be doing.